Comments on: 2. Uniquely Designed http://hiskingdomalone.com/?p=9 Thank the Lord that everlasting joy is a choice! Wed, 08 Sep 2010 10:25:26 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.7.1 hourly 1 By: jessicaf http://hiskingdomalone.com/?p=9&cpage=1#comment-2 jessicaf Thu, 11 Oct 2007 18:15:20 +0000 http://brewersroundtable.com/himalone/?p=4#comment-2 My name is Jessica and I am really looking forward to the conversations that spark from Dawn's blogs. I have been married for almost four years and my relationship with my husband has revolutionized my life. He loves me with a love I have never experienced before, and it is bringing immense emotional healing to my life. Thankfully, I'm not the basket case I thought I was! It's amazing when you can see yourself through someone else's eyes. The problem is, I came to depend on him, just like the second lesson was talking about. The dynamic of our marriage was, if he did everything right to make me happy, things were great, even though my ideals were less than ideal, as I came to learn. I was very manipulative and abused his desire to make me happy. My intention was not to hurt him, but to fulfill a deep hole in my heart. I went into the mode of "I have to do what it takes to get what I need". Sometimes that feeling overrides our rationality. Does anyone hear me on that? I don't know why it took me so long to see what I was doing. He would tell me, but I always thought it was a mild bother, like he really thought it was cute and sexy for me to pout and give him the cold shoulder. Like, he knew that what I was saying was right, he just didn't want to be bothered to change his ways. Hahahahaha, I laugh now, because it is so ridiculous! (Not to say that I often WAS right!!!) So, I thought I could do no wrong in John's eyes. One day, I was talking to John from Iraq on a satellite phone, just pacing back and forth behind our compound (I remember the moment vividly). And I finally understood the danger of the dynamic I was causing. I don't really remember what incidents or conversations that led up to it, I just remember that moment of epiphany, when I realized how close I was to losing the John I loved. It was the sadness in his voice as he expressed how truly unhappy he was with dealing with that dynamic. How he loved me, but he was tempted to just drown himself in his work and hobbies in order to avoid the pressure. That was when I truly began wanting to make HIM happy. The thought of playing those manipulative games became repulsive to me in that moment. It was incredibly healing, a miracle of sorts, I guess. In that moment, the value of having him in my life didn't diminish, it increased a thousand fold. Our marriage wasn't for MY HAPPINESS anymore, it was for a much grander scheme, including both of our personal growths and so much more that I don't even know...I'm also looking forward to exploring that with this study. Anyways, our marriage is much different now. The time we spent apart while deployed was horrible, but it was fruitful. I guess it removed us far enough from the daily grind of marriage to see the really significant stuff going on. Thank God for that. I'm sorry it took spending 14 months in Iraq to do it, though!!! I am realizing how important it is for us to maintain and cultivate friendships with each other as women. I, honestly, am a little lonely. It's nice to be able to admit that finally. I don't even know who is on this post, but I trust that our hearts are connected through our desire for God. I'm new to my town and it's taking some time to really connect with anyone. My cats don't exactly cut it but they help!! 'Til next time :) My name is Jessica and I am really looking forward to the conversations that spark from Dawn’s blogs. I have been married for almost four years and my relationship with my husband has revolutionized my life. He loves me with a love I have never experienced before, and it is bringing immense emotional healing to my life. Thankfully, I’m not the basket case I thought I was! It’s amazing when you can see yourself through someone else’s eyes. The problem is, I came to depend on him, just like the second lesson was talking about. The dynamic of our marriage was, if he did everything right to make me happy, things were great, even though my ideals were less than ideal, as I came to learn. I was very manipulative and abused his desire to make me happy. My intention was not to hurt him, but to fulfill a deep hole in my heart. I went into the mode of “I have to do what it takes to get what I need”. Sometimes that feeling overrides our rationality. Does anyone hear me on that? I don’t know why it took me so long to see what I was doing. He would tell me, but I always thought it was a mild bother, like he really thought it was cute and sexy for me to pout and give him the cold shoulder. Like, he knew that what I was saying was right, he just didn’t want to be bothered to change his ways. Hahahahaha, I laugh now, because it is so ridiculous! (Not to say that I often WAS right!!!) So, I thought I could do no wrong in John’s eyes.
One day, I was talking to John from Iraq on a satellite phone, just pacing back and forth behind our compound (I remember the moment vividly). And I finally understood the danger of the dynamic I was causing. I don’t really remember what incidents or conversations that led up to it, I just remember that moment of epiphany, when I realized how close I was to losing the John I loved. It was the sadness in his voice as he expressed how truly unhappy he was with dealing with that dynamic. How he loved me, but he was tempted to just drown himself in his work and hobbies in order to avoid the pressure. That was when I truly began wanting to make HIM happy. The thought of playing those manipulative games became repulsive to me in that moment. It was incredibly healing, a miracle of sorts, I guess. In that moment, the value of having him in my life didn’t diminish, it increased a thousand fold. Our marriage wasn’t for MY HAPPINESS anymore, it was for a much grander scheme, including both of our personal growths and so much more that I don’t even know…I’m also looking forward to exploring that with this study. Anyways, our marriage is much different now. The time we spent apart while deployed was horrible, but it was fruitful. I guess it removed us far enough from the daily grind of marriage to see the really significant stuff going on. Thank God for that. I’m sorry it took spending 14 months in Iraq to do it, though!!!
I am realizing how important it is for us to maintain and cultivate friendships with each other as women. I, honestly, am a little lonely. It’s nice to be able to admit that finally. I don’t even know who is on this post, but I trust that our hearts are connected through our desire for God. I’m new to my town and it’s taking some time to really connect with anyone. My cats don’t exactly cut it but they help!!
‘Til next time :)

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